I struggle in many areas. Some have been brought to light and gently dealt with or healed; others I am still blind to or need more rounds of wrestling to overcome. I continue to journey through one issue, one moment at a time.
One area of silly pride I held was the fact that I had never gotten drunk, until the day I did. The circumstances were right, and it happened. Rather than feeling that God was angry at me, I felt His gentleness. Through that situation, a gentle truth bloomed in my mind. BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I.
It wasn't my incredible will power or self-discipline that had kept me from drinking to excess, sleeping around and getting hurt, cussing like a sailor or fill in the blank. This voice in my soul whispered of how every step I take is known. He walks with me directing, protecting, and loving even when I make bad choices. Allowing pride to build is naive and childish because any credit is due to His strength.
In many ways growing up in the church and on the mission field provided a safe spiritual little bubble. Other surroundings and I would have chosen differently. I was never offered beer, drugs, or peer-pressured into anything. I was born into a healthy family in a privileged country. God is capable of shaping us no matter what circumstance we find ourselves in because none of it is a surprise to Him. I can only be thankful my childhood circumstances were pretty ideal.
Another area I had pride about was relationships. I didn't date around and get my heart broken like a lot of my peers. I had a ton of secret crushes, but I probably would have dated a lot, if I'd been asked. Males around me were apparently intimidated by me. (Later several admitted that my confidence relegated me to their friend-zone.) I know God gifted me that confidence and strong childlike faith to protect me from myself. God wired into me a loyalty that would surface quickly. God blindsided me with my complimentary mate at the perfect time. We were friends who fell in love. We've been married twelve years and are still choosing love and balancing one another out.
I get prideful about all sorts of ridiculous things. My kids behaving. The truth is my kids misbehave moments later. How I've never been pulled over. God knows I would have an anxiety attack and cry if I got pulled over. Pride about my house being clean. Truth is my house stays clean when my kids are asleep or out with their father, and I have time to clean it up without interference. Accomplishing a lot in a day. Often, I make productivity my idol and I'm trying to change that. By the Grace of God I accomplish or not. I shouldn't take the credit or put goals over relationships.
God wired me and designed my personality. He knows what to protect me from and what I need to walk through to become more like Jesus. Like a good parent, He knows I seek best in the midst of the tough stuff. A complete life of ease isn't actually that beneficial for shaping character. A little pain or uncertainty and He gets my attention.
I know if I had been brought up in a different set of circumstances, or around other people, I would be a different person. I am learning to be thankful in the midst of life's struggles. I still wish and pray for hardship to pass, but I try not to begrudge God the journey process in my life. He gently breaks down my pride and lavishes me with mercy, grace, and peace. But for the Grace of God, I am convinced, I could be pushed to the point of murder, theft, drug addiction, abuse, etc. I choose to trust that this path is for my good and that my God is good.
I love the verse where it talks about giving so the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. I write this not to trumpet my giving (which is measly), but rather to praise God for His.
Honestly, I have had a hard time being generous. I get fearful of giving away what I might need. Intellectually I know that God always has provided for all my needs and because of this my trust has grown stronger. Faith is something that is grown through experience and experience takes time. I am learning to not begrudge God the time it takes to journey with Him.
God has shown me that His heart is generous, so mine needs to be the same way. Now when God brings to light a need, we try to meet it. I can't tell you how many times we have given only to turn around and have God bless us right back. It is impossible to out-give God!
It can mistakenly seem easier to give when you have a lot, but no matter how much or little you have, fear tries to steal the opportunities to give. When we falsely believe that money equals security then we become ruled by a paycheck, our productivity or our own striving. My husband and I regularly remind ourselves who our provider is and to whom the money really belongs.
Recently, we experienced several financial miracles. God made us aware of a family in need and we dropped of an anonymous donation. As we were pulling out of the parking lot we opened a card to receive back the exact amount we had just given. Talk about the fastest turn around ever!
Right around this same time we were notified that our tax return would be the largest one we had ever received. We have continued to give as the Lord leads and He continues to bless us. We laughed at how God shows off. He really does own it all and we can't out-give Him.
We have lost track of the amount of times where we have written the check or made the donation and we turn around only to have God bless us in return. Each time it happens we are delighted and our giving becomes even more cheerful as we try to give back to God. Like drops of water in an ocean is our giving, but I think He is pleased.
2 Corinthian 9:7 Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
It has been fourteen years since I met my husband. We have been married for eleven of those years and had three children. Our oldest just hit double digits and our youngest is potty trained. The infant stages are behind us, but we are still in the thick of parenting. Our sleep may be better, but our mental battles are just beginning. Both of us have experienced job changes while parenting and juggling school and ministry alongside. We have had some rough days balanced with some beautiful ones.
Without the Holy Spirit to iron out our communication and expectations, we would not be happily married. The focus of God in our lives has solidified our mission. Being partners isn't always easy. There have been times of great connection and others where we start to feel like ships passing in the night. Marriage takes intentional work and a lot of prayer. Recognizing and making priorities to pull back is key to not becoming disconnected strangers.
Having hit the mid-thirty mark, I find myself starting to feel more confident in my own skin. My weaknesses aren't as all-consuming, my strengths are more balanced and I find surrendering easier as well as asking for help. Finding the end of myself isn't as scary or disappointing. My boundaries are healthier because I recognize my people-pleasing for what it is and strive to let it no longer drive me. I am more comfortable with disappointing others because my focus is on pleasing Jesus. He is a lot nicer to me than I am to myself. Expectations are a killer. I am still learning to receive graciously.
More than ever, I recognize that life has a rhythm of ebbs and flows. There are periods where survival is all you can manage, sprinting is fun, and passion is endless. Crawling and apathy can happen too! The kicker is we are often in a different mode than those around us. I think God designed this specifically so we rely on Him rather than those around us for support. It is so natural to want to give advice, but love is the safest thing to offer no matter what place a person is in. Listening is better.
We need the example Jesus gives of going off to pray. Seeing that his human tank got empty is so enlightening. God created the seventh day for rest! Jesus couldn't always get away, however, and neither can we. Sometimes we have to keep plugging when we feel we can't. What has life taught me? When you get the chance to recharge - take it! Making rest a discipline is a must!
My personality idolizes productivity, so I must be reminded of my priorities. The Spirit's gentle nudge to put people over projects is helpful. I want my goals to conform to a higher calling. I hate to admit I lose track of the primary relationship for which I am so desperate. God is constantly tugging me in and nothing does that better than pain and struggle. Rough times remind me how much I need him. He whispers, "Quit doing for me and just be with me!"
As a family, we are pulling in to rejuvenate our spirits by getting in touch with THE SPIRIT. May His voice be heard, His presence felt and His will be done in us. When we start to flow out again, may it be with even greater grace and love in a beautiful overflow.
My heart is burning and I cannot sleep. Recently, our path was diverted from disaster. Many of you who know us might think that it was diverted by disaster, but trust me when I tell you that your perspective isn't ours. This shift in priorities was beyond needed! God knew how to get our attention.
In life we often have these pendulum swings, because our beliefs are tied to a dynamic tension with the Spirit of God. He is trying to bring us to a peaceful balance but in our finite understanding we take a lesson all the way to the wall. He is gracious and allows us to swing one way and then nudges or knocks us back the other way.
Maybe I am being too vague. Let me just put it this way. There is truth to the saying "too much of a good thing." God opened our eyes to how far we had strayed from our true values. We had slowly allowed the LOVE GOD and LOVE OTHERS value to become DO FOR GOD and DO FOR OTHERS. Our lives had become unmanageable.
Now we have been set free. We are grateful believers in Jesus who struggle with codependency. Our codependency was with ministry. Godly advice had replaced the Holy Spirit in our lives and doing "too much" had enslaved us. Out of desperation we prayed and He answered!
In recent years we have gotten wise to the necessity of healthy marriages. Date nights are preached and marriage seminars have become more prevalent. Our pendulum in Christian society has swung. But again we are missing the full picture. What about families? What about rhythms of life? We are still not seeing a balance!
We are running the race like it is a sprint and wondering why we have trouble hearing from God or resisting temptation. Exhaustion is a bi-product of having productivity for God as an idol! Guilt and shame about service are felt. But my battered soul cries out for the examples of Jesus' mountain-top time. Who is modeling a discipline of rest? Are we encouraging sabbath in balance with service?
I write this as your flawed sister. Rest is not your enemy. In the quiet God can speak. Are we too busy to listen? Stop asking him to join your agenda and see how you can join Him in the today. It is a battle of the mind to be still and know He is God. The battle is His not ours. Stop taking on what isn't yours to do. Ask and trust one moment at a time.
So back to my mantra.... Lord let me walk humbly with you and be faithful in this moment.
First, let me allay your fears, I don't know all your deep, dark secrets. The things you tell my husband in confidence remain in confidence. I have people assume that I know all about their situation and that simply isn't the case. I will smile and nod, but I probably am being enlightened by you! Truthfully, my husband's profession is too heavy for my heart, and he knows that. He is the counselor, not me. If you would like me to know something, so I can pray, please share with me. I will pray and cry or cheer alongside, but my empathy will not give you helpful counsel.
Second, am I proud of my husband? Yes. I get this question A LOT! Yes, I love his heart for helping people on their journey. The Spirit gives him the wisdom to cut through to the heart of situations. He is highly relational and I love the way God works through him. The kids and I pray for his protection and discernment to help the people God brings to his office. We are also thankful that his career keeps him attentive to the needs of his family as well. He has to practice what he advises!
Third, Yes, I also get resentful! Hurting people are rarely respectful of boundaries. When clients fail to show, it is hard not to be resentful. I see that as a time we could have spent together as a family. Weighing other's needs, which are always an emergency to them, and determining what your response to them should be, is exhausting. I face a similar battle when fielding my children's constant questions, shrieks, and requests during the day. Sometimes, it is hard to have energy left over for each other at the end of the day or week. No one likes to struggle with guilt about giving leftovers to your loved ones no matter what your profession may be. -mom or counselor
Fourthly, we need prayer and I ask you for it. We are constantly needing God's help to define our borders and safeguard our family time. Some of the topics of discussion in the office, as you may imagine, are heavy. It is hard to watch Josh care more about someone's struggle than they do. I do my best to bolster, but a covering of prayer is always welcome.
Be careful what you pray for! I expressed my desire to do more ministry together with my husband and he said to put it in our prayer circles. (See Mark Batterson's Prayer Circle Book) Not too long after writing this desire down I got what I thought was the answer to my prayer. Now I know it was only part of the answer...
The Celebrate Recovery program we started 6 years ago was finally big enough to afford childcare. I am now able to bring our kids and be a part of the program once again. The women loving on my and other's children are beautiful inside and out. They do crafts and my kids love going every Friday! The vulnerability and transparency of Celebrate Recovery is beautiful and addicting (a healthy addiction). I love that our whole family goes together.
A few months later, our church pastor asked my husband if we might be interested in co-sharing on a Sunday. Our pastor was putting together a series on the Song of Solomon and he wanted several couples to each take a section. Our young adult group was studying the Song of Solomon teaching when Josh and I met. Any other topic and I probably would have said no, but the Spirit nudged me. I agreed before I could chicken out.
I am an introvert. My husband speaks all the time, but it's not really my cup of tea. Over the next few weeks I struggled to capture every fearful thought and replace it with faith or worship. Then I found out our Sunday commitment also included a follow up talk during the week where we could go into more depth in a small group. So, not one opportunity to share together, but two!
God is so cool, because He knows what we can handle better than we do. He also knows exactly how to present things - baby steps. He also places people strategically in our life to encourage us. A sweet friend gave me a mug with these verses.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
They became my mantra the week before we were to speak!
As I tried to sleep God kept speaking to my heart - downloading tidbits. I have to keep a pen and paper near my bed because my mind always gets active late at night. My body is trying to sleep but my spirit is raring to contemplate truth.
As the day grew closer, my mother encouraged me to pray specifically for a big boost of confidence. I didn't want to be overconfident; I just didn't want to puke on stage. Flashbacks from speech class about picturing the audience naked didn't seem right for a church setting. I also thought about walking out without my glasses so everyone was a big blur, but a show and tell lighted candle prop made me decide against that. I did my part by reading through what my husband and I felt God wanted us to say. I told God the rest was up to Him. Help us convey your heart God!
I have been called a crier. I've cried when I am happy, sad, frustrated or angry. Empathy and emotion often overwhelm my throat and I feel frustrated and embarrassed. God has been taking me on a journey of EMBRACE this year. It was the word he gave me in January and I am still learning all that it entails. I felt God saying that I needed to embrace how He has wired me and stop feeling embarrassed about it. Feeling emotion isn't a weakness; it is my super power! If God wants to overwhelm me with His goodness, faithfulness, forgiveness, and love - so be it! And thank you!
The day before we spoke - I prayed that God would speak through me as only he could. I felt very much like Moses -no eloquent tongue here- but I promised to speak through any tears and keep going anyway. I asked everyone for prayer and I knew my husband would rescue me if I got too emotional to speak. He did promise not to rescue me too quickly.
On Sunday morning I felt excited - Like you're strapped into a roller coaster going up to the very first drop kind of excited. What the heck was I thinking! Despite a bug creeping across my foot, I spoke! Probably a little too fast, but I didn't puke AND I DIDN'T CRY!!! This was a first for me. I see now that God was preparing me for this opportunity by speaking in open share each week and facilitating a step study group.
One baby step led to another. I am grateful for the opportunity to stretch my faith. I don't really feel called to a public speaking career, but it is wonderful to know that WITH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
Thank you to everyone who prayed for me <3
As I walk on the treadmill my mind wanders a lot. This morning I listened to my devotions and a podcast hoping to focus my mind while moving my body, killing two birds with one stone. Eventually, I realized that my thoughts had drifted to the city of Jericho and all that marching. Gee, I wonder what inspired that...
-How long did it take to walk around the city of Jericho?
-What were they thinking about as they walked around the city silently?
-Did they have to be silent the whole way or just when near Jericho?
-How far was their base camp from Jericho anyway?
-On the seventh day when they had to walk around seven times how hard was it not to whisper to a buddy?
This train of thought inspired me to do some digging.
I normally walk for an hour or about 3 miles to keep the joints lubricated and my sanity intact. My thoughts ramble disjointed and numerous. The city of Jericho with its protective walls is said to have been about 9 acres. Thank you, Google! So math whiz that I am... (haha) I figured out it would take me only about ten minutes to walk around the city itself. Ten minutes of silence is totally doable, but when I found out their base camp was in Gilgal it changed the whole picture. I had to tack on 9 or so miles from Gilgal to Jericho! So add three hours to that ten minutes and that is just one way!
We are talking a 6+ hour walk every day for 6 days and then about 7+ hours on the last day silently before the walls fell down! That is a lot of time to think!
I wonder if they were allowed to talk until Jericho came into sight? Imagine walking with thousands of people around without making any conversation. Eerie! Ten minutes of silently circling Jericho had to have those soldiers imagining what God was going to do... if anything. There had to be at least one doubter in a crowd that big.
Most periods of waiting aren't easy. Our brains fill the silence with worst-case scenarios, doubts, hopes, fear, anxiety, and prayer. Unknowns allow room for God to show off and with Jericho he definitely did. That seventh day is worth waiting for! I know, I know - I wish we could always know the waiting ended after seven days. Unknowns also allow fear to creep in. The end probably won't go in any of the hundred scenarios we run through our minds anyway.
Countless times the end "battle" turns out so much better than I could have hoped. Unforeseen consequences come and bless my socks off. The end result may be great, but the interim is the best place for me. Clinging to faith increases my spiritual muscle. No pain no gain! It also makes a greater testimony to God's glory!
Even when I feel like the end result was more massacre than victory I know I don't walk through it alone. I have learned to trust. Trust is something that is earned and learned through history together. God uses all things together for good. I like to add an eventually to this statement because His timing is not ours. Waiting is often the main point. In the valley, we get to choose to trust. We get to choose our focus. If we recall our history with God rather than our fears - that is our battle to fight. Our battle is in the heart and head! Choose to trust He will take care of the rest and walk with us through it.
In the midst, I feel like I can't make it through, but with His help I will. The waiting is still unpleasant. I mean who likes waiting? Uncertainty is still uncomfortable. Each valley of testing makes my faith grow and my certainty in God's love, protection, sustenance increases step by step.
My last random thoughts were on armor. How much did it psyche out the rulers of Jericho to see a massive army prepared for battle circle them day after day? They had no idea what God was doing. Maybe they were confident in their walls the first day, but some doubt had to be niggling in their mind with each passing day. I don't want to be waiting around unarmed. I want to keep Satan on his toes.
God wants my head protected with the knowledge of my salvation. My heart is safe, behind the breastplate of righteousness, knowing that God approves of me thanks to Jesus' sacrifice. Truth is my support knowing it should be shared in love. I am ready to share the Good news of peace with God wherever I go. I raise the shield of faith to block the arrows of doubt, shame, and fear Satan sends my way. The sword of the Spirit, the word of God, fights for me against the lies of Satan.
Let's keep growing in our waiting by asking questions and digging deeper into the word, so we will be stronger for the next valley. A good march makes the victory all the sweeter.
Josh and one of his best friends, Luke, opened the supplies for their new joint venture last weekend. Look at those smiles! It was exciting to be a part of their celebration.
One of the things that got Josh through ten years in the lawn service was listening to hours and hours of podcasts. He listened to everyone from hunters to pastors. In fact, he and Luke talked over a year ago about starting their own podcast. Late night conversations they had while biking together around town will be coming soon in their very own podcast series.
Dream are gifts from the dream giver. A generous donation came in specifically for the purpose of making their dream a reality. Wow!
Many hours of research have gone into this idea. As the equipment arrived, we wives were delighted to get a front row seat to the unwrapping. Laura grabbed her phone and captured those first smiles. Those smiles led to laughter. As the first microphone went live the first question popped, "What do you think we will be doing in ten years?" Eyes lit with joy as an easy conversation started.
As Josh and Luke move forward from the research-and-prayer stage to the production-and-prayer one, we ask for your partnership. Pray for clear direction, lots of Holy-Spirit-moments, and faithful listeners. They hope to have links up soon.
My new venture is actually a repeat venture, but I am very excited about it anyway. Five years ago I went through my first step study. God revealed some suppressed hurts in my life and some unhealthy tendencies toward perfectionism and food.
This is the first time I have been able to facilitate other ladies through the steps and I am very excited to journey through the steps again. It is an incredible privilege to journey with others! Not only does God knit hearts together, but you get to be a front seat witness of their freedom journey.
The beatitudes of Jesus are so key to restoring our relationship with Christ and accepting Him as your higher power unlocks incredible freedom and power. Our faith journey continues on as He continues to shape us in the image of His Son. I am looking forward to seeing what areas in addition to healthy boundaries God will have me working on.
So, as the guys and I start our new ventures we invite those around to join in on the journey: be praying for us, be looking for NAM - the podcast and join us at Celebrate Recovery on Friday nights.
When I first started my blog I struggled to find a name. I finally settled on Misty Megaccino Moments. Megaccino was a nickname that friend gave me in Ukraine a long time ago. I feel called to share my journey so moments felt right, but the misty part came after reading the verse about how we see things hazy as through a glass. After taking a theology class I concluded that the more you get to know God the more you realize you don't know. More answers lead to more question and thus starts a lifetime of seeking.
I don't claim to have all the answers. In fact, I hope it comes across loud and clear that I am a seeker, not a teacher. If you have found something useful or touching in one of my blogs then that is because the Lord saw fit to use it. God's Spirit is the teacher, not me.
I started this blog for a few reasons: one, I wanted a record of things God has done because I have a poor memory. I knew I would need to go back and remind myself of His faithfulness. Two, I wanted my kids to have a chronicle of my life. Rather than an emotionally-charged diary that I wrote in when upset, I chose a public forum that helps me keep a more balanced perspective. And Lastly, I process by writing things out, so it is a therapeutic process.
During a conversation I had this morning, I bemoaned my tendency to cry. I especially hate crying in front of others. It seems I cry when attempting to speak about anything of importance; I hate confrontation, because people matter. I tear up in empathy when anyone else does. Waterworks should dissipate with maturity or time, right? I am still hoping, but this doesn't seem to be the case.
At eleven, emotions choked me as I tried to give my simple testimony at summer camp. In college speech class I read aloud a fictitious story and sobbed like it was true. I had to fight through tears to even finish the assignment because I had gotten too deep into my own story. Crazy! Talk about embarrassing! No doubt I looked like a crazy person which makes my logical brain mad. As a young adult, I co-lead a study about the book Lies Women Believe and balled my way through that. Vulnerability equals tears in my body at least. Ugh... For years I have struggled with this - I see it as a weakness. I feel like it is Satan's attempt to silence me. He likes to keep people isolated instead of openly sharing their faith journeys with each other. Shame and fear like the dark, so the best way to get rid of them is to expose it to the light! Others have tried to convince me that my tears are a strength?... yeah um OK, I still don't see it, but thanks!
Maybe, I am incapable of relating what the Lord had done or is revealing to me without leaking, but at least with writing, no one can see the tears. Haha! Mostly, it is annoying to have the meaning behind your tears be misread. I even cry when I am angry and that is extremely aggravating! Every opportunity of speaking has left me choking through tears. No matter how much I prepare or outline, my emotions of gratitude and freedom overwhelm me. I can think it dry-eyed in my head, but as soon as I break my silence tears flow. I will not be silenced though. If God compels me to speak despite my tears, I must.
So anyways... this morning as I was driving home, I had an epiphany. God spoke deeper meaning into the word MISTY. The moments I am sharing with you all are my misty moments. Here I lay out personal miracles and struggles, both of which have come with tears. Whether the meaning behind the tears is nostalgia, pain or gratitude matters not, God knows. All these years I thought the name originated from the hazy mist of our inability to understand an infinite God, but more deeply it is all the moments God collected my tears in a bottle.
I love that God has layers and he is showing me my own layers. I learn things and then learn them again at a whole-other-level. He takes us deeper in. He didn't take away the original meaning of Misty - that is still a huge revelation in my journey of how big God is! But, he added a deeper meaning of embracing who he created me to be - a woman chronicling her misty moments for whoever he brings to read them. May he be glorified by every tear and every moment!
I love that God has a sense of humor. He is so wise in timing. He knows when we are ready or in need of a revelation. He knows what we can handle and what we can't. I know that is why He enjoys blowing my mind with epiphanies that are personal and perfect in His timing. Haha - well played God!
Have you had an epiphany lately? Share it with me!
I am a believer in Jesus Christ. I love testimonies of God's love and faithfulness. Being an empathetic person - they get me every time.
One of my favorite verses is Revelation 12:11.
They triumphed over him (Satan)
I love this verse because it reminds me that even a testimony as simple as mine can be used to defeat Satan. Let me clarify what I mean by simple. My story lacks a definitive before and after Christ moment. My story is more one of progression than sudden or radical transformation. There has been a lot of transformation and will continue to have a lot more, but it has been slow and steady, probably because the Lord knows the pace I can handle.
One of my earliest memories, around four, is praying with my mom to accept Jesus. I was raised in a missionary family so from an early age I witnessed countless miracles. We were taught to pray for and expect them. The God I grew to know was and still is magnificent! It amazes me how God cares about the tiniest, most intimate details of our life. Yes, even close parking spots!
My parents did deputation and by age seven my family was living in Zagreb, Croatia but at that time it was Yugoslavia. We simply did life as we learned the language. My parents modeled how to be a friend first before sharing the friend, Jesus.
When the war broke out we briefly stayed in Vienna. My brother had scarlet fever and I learned how God is our healer.
Returning home to Massachusetts we had a year to reconnect with family in the States, raise puppies and build forts in the yard by the parsonage. By opening the doors in hospitality, my parent's made the scripture about entertaining angels without knowing real to me. I know one of our guests was an angel for certain!
From there my family went to Moscow for a two-year assignment. My parent's had met on the Russian floor at Colorado University so this would be an easier assignment at least linguistically speaking. My siblings and I learned Russian by playing in the courtyard with other kids and watched my parents work really hard. They were always being called to translate for everyone involved in the team. After two years we came back to the United States to help family in need of healing. It took us all a while to adjust, but it was a break we all really needed.
At this point in my life, I started to ask harder questions. I wanted to understand God deeper. I was starting to see the difference between loving Jesus and what some people said you had to "do" for Jesus. I needed to know that God wasn't just there for my parents but if He was there for me.
When I brought my doubts to my parents they weren't disappointed or angry in any way, actually, they were quite the opposite. They encouraged me to take all my questions to God and seek out my answers. What I didn't really understand at the time was that they were also doing the same thing in their own lives. (Now, I see this should be a constant in the life of a Jesus follower!) They showed me where David cried out to God, how David wasn't always polite. Despite David's lack of respect or reverence, God didn't strike him down with lightning like he may have deserved.
God wants an authentic relationship with us. I was assured that He was big enough to handle anything I could throw at Him, so I started my own search into what God was really like. This is where I deepened my relationship, from God being my Savior to Him being my Lord.
After a season of helping family back home and some soul searching my parents signed on with a different organization who had us going back and forth to mainly Ukraine for the next few years. My heart fell more deeply in love with the Lord but also with anything Slavic. By the time I graduated high school my heart was set on moving to Ukraine and studying the language. Living in America and doing the 9-5 Monday through Friday desk job literally terrified me. I saved and saved so I could afford to do it. I'm not sure if I would have heard God if He had said no to my plan. I think the majority of my prayers were begging Him to allow me to have the life I wanted. I was also infatuated with a Ukrainian boy at the time, so that didn't help my clarity of thought either.
God is good. He gave me exactly what I asked for and it only took me about three months to determine that it wasn't everything I dreamed it would be. I loved aspects of my life in Kiev. My studies were going well. I had even found a job at another University, but my heart was incredibly homesick. I had always had my family bubble in the midst of a different culture, being completely alone in it was a lot harder. Plus, being on the outside of the US when September 11th happened was terrifying. To hear that America was closed and you are on the outside of it didn't feel good. I wanted to go home.
Once I returned to Massachusetts, I was finally able to see how I hadn't really allowed God much room to speak into the decision. Maybe I had to knock my Slavic idol off the shelf so God could have his spot back, but God was a total gentleman about it. I had been so blinded by what I thought was best instead of trusting Him to know what was best. My family moved to Florida, so I came too. I still find it funny that now I live in Palm Coast where there is a nice sized Russian community and I get to hear Russian every time I am out at Walmart.
So, I struggle with perfectionism. Nope - so not perfect, but wish I was! Sitting still and waiting is also so hard for me. It is tempting to get the plan and rush out and do it on my own. God has given me a good head on my shoulders, so I should use it, right? But not without Him. I am trying to learn how to let God have the lead.
God unexpectedly brought a great guy into my life who helps balance me. I think I do the same for him because God is smart like that. My husband speaks his mind and loves God with great passion. I know being empathetic makes healthy boundaries hard for me to set, so I am thankful for the love and protection of a strong spouse. Makes me feel safe, loved and heard! God is still working on my people-pleasing ways. I not so secretly love that being a counselor keeps my husband sensitive to following the advice that he gives out. Ten years and I still like the guy! Our three kids and I pray for protection over Daddy and discernment from the Holy Spirit for the people he sees. It is important to us that they know they can make a difference even at a young age!
I am grateful for being able to stay home, teach our kids, read lots of books and write some as well. Life is busy, but I know God is directing our days. I am beyond grateful for those in our lives who journey alongside us. We now get to fellowship as a family at Celebrate Recovery every Friday night as well. I love watching and hearing how God is setting his people free, so in obedience, I wanted to write out a bit of my story.
Feel free to share a bit of your walk with Jesus with me in the comments below. I would love to hear it!
My Current Mantra
Walk humbly with God and do the work at your hands....