Recently I came across a devotional which prompted me to put myself into the story of the blind beggar in the book of Mark.
One of the reasons I fell in love with my husband is the way he asks questions about situations. This practice took old, repetitive stories from the Bible and made them come alive in a fresh way.
This devotional prompted me in much the same way - to taste, feel and experience the story of encountering Christ. Jesus asked the beggar what he wanted Jesus to do for him. It then prompted me to answer it for myself. What would I ask of God? With sudden clarity, I realized I would ask the for the same thing the blind man did.
I have eyes to see physically, but spiritually I know I miss a lot. The circumstances of life, the hardships, and the joys distract me from walking in full connection to the power of Christ.
I have moments of breakthrough where I see what I believe God wants me to see. I want more of that! I want to walk closer so I can see things the way God does. Not just to see the opportunities, but also the lessons in day to day trials and joy.
Keep opening my eyes, Lord!
Identity is an ambiguous concept. A quick search revealed thirty plus personality tests from the well-known Myers-Briggs to the recently re-popularized Enneagram. If this doesn't give evidence to humanity's obsession with our identity, I don't know what will. People use descriptive labels, their relationships or occupation in their attempts to identify themselves. Using those parameters - I am an INTJ, Reformer, wife, mother, writer, teacher, etc - but I am not the same person I was even a year ago.
Our obsession with identity doesn't end there. Add the countless branches of religion and their subsets which reveal our efforts to interpret God's identity. Our attempts to understand, lead us to more labeling and staunch viewpoints that layer up over time creating our interpretation or perspective. Systems and methodology are born in our pursuit to define God, people, our reality, and ourselves by these accumulated beliefs. With that in mind - I believe in a loving God and strive to follow Jesus' example.
I know my perception of God may not match yours. That is normal and okay! If you ask my siblings to describe our parents you would get differing descriptions. We are all unique and have our respective experiences that have shaped our individual relationships with each other. Our experiences will vary and naturally produce differing perspectives about God, too. Let's talk about fundamentals or the deal-breakers. Even what you think is fundamental probably differs from what I think is important. Sorry, not sorry!
I am seeking to understand who I am but more importantly who God is. For me, I feel my identity is wrapped up with God's. When my experiences with God do not line up with my "knowledge" of what I've read or been taught, I must accept the challenge to keep seeking rather than angrily cling to something out of fear or allow myself to crumble. If I stop seeking and think I know, then I am in big trouble. Fitting God into a box of my finite understanding should be a given impossibility. The disciples appeared pretty thick at times and theologians have differed over the centuries, so I am okay with it taking a lifetime to discover or grasp.
I was shaped by loving parents in an environment rich in spiritual religion. My childhood was a nice Christian bubble. I am grateful because my grandparent's faith transformation impacted generations to seek after God. I got to experience "church" in many cultures all teaching a variety of theologies. At home I was taught that God loves me and to be a friend before you share THE friend. That basic ideology has not changed in my mind. God wasn't forced on me, so I refuse to "evangelize" out of fear, through man-made strategy or out of guilt-ridden compulsion.
The layers of religion are slowly being peeled away. This statement may scare some people, but I don't know a better way to describe the modifications. I only share my thoughts because I process best this way. This journey has been slow, sometimes painful and definitely personal. Whether it is the gentle patter of the keyboard, the scratch of pen on paper, or discussing it with a trusted friend, I thrive with puzzling things out. I'm getting warmer, but God's timing in revealing truth comes as I am open to receiving or revising.
Being a life-long learner is one of my identifying traits. I thirst and curiosity runs deep. Maturity has taught me to wait and hear all sides. The same way a prosecutor's remarks can seem absolute or persuasive until you hear the defense, our initial interpretation without proper perspective is often faulty. It's a good thing we have a Spirit inside to guide us. I like absolutes, but I've had to get used to disappointment. The pendulum swing is real, polarity's pull is strong, and dynamic tension isn't always pleasant. It hasn't killed me but made my faith stronger. 1 Cor 13:9 talks about how we know in part.
The freedom to seek was presented to me around the age of twelve. I brought my questions and doubts to my parents. They assured me that God instructs us to seek and was big enough to handle all my questions. That encouraging discussion started a deeper awareness of God's guidance. My frustration has grown when religious authority or culture tries to designate where and how I am permitted to seek or serve. At seventeen, when I was first on my own, the Spirit in me discerned how a spiritual authority was wrong and that experience strongly impacted me in my journey forward. Time has revealed more truths about modern missions, the current-day spiritual culture, ministerial expectations, healthy boundaries, resentments, and true freedom.
I know my seeking will never be done. I have found greater peace in releasing religious custom and walking in greater awareness of my identity in God. I am a daughter of God created to bring glory by sharing my perspective of God's transforming journey in my life.
My Current Mantra
Walk humbly with God and do the work at your hands....