...not so secret now... 1. Will I be Okay? Okay - by definition to me, means mostly sane and happy. Being around children 24/7 can do crazy things to you and I have already experienced some of this insanity with two young children. What happens when/if more come along or the difficulty of questions and repetition of questions increase? Thankfully, I have an incredible support system. My husband is all for homeschooling, many friends with similarly aged children are also starting this journey, and my mother (who homeschooled me) is only a phone call or short drive away. I have confidence that I will get through this season but do wonder how many brain cells will be left at the end.... 2. What will happen after I become an empty-nester? I know this is far into the distant future since my youngest isn't even old enough for school, but I keep hearing that they fly the nest faster than we can blink. So, rationally I don't think this a strange question to ask myself. I went to college and received an AA. I was even close to a BA when I got pregnant and lost all ambition to do any more schooling. But what happens when they are done with school? Will I have to start over in my late forties waiting tables or taking classes? I don't know if living off the husband will be all that fair or fulfilling when I am not wiping noses and teaching his offspring to read. Starting over does not sound appealing either, as I have been there done that before children and don't really care to repeat that season. I work part-time from my computer at home when the girls nap. But if anymore children come along I don't see how I will manage even working part-time. I will just have to trust that this job or one like it will be available maybe even with a few more hours, when my raising children years are over. 3. Will all my friend lose interest in me? You know how people get when they are immersed in something, good or bad, it can become a bit much. I don't want to turn into that friend that can only talk about her kids, and homeschooling her kids, and did I mention the wife that reports on her kids? Will I be able to tell when my friends are sick of hearing about homeschooling? I don't want to cause/start/tolerate any child/school/parenting comparing/judging! ....I think I may have a new obsession with the "/" sign... How will I stay an interesting friend balanced enough to be able to hold a conversation about a vast number of topics? I'm thankful for those friends that are walking this journey with me, because we will be on the same page. I will strive to retain some other friendships that will be uplifting and non-kid focused to the best of my ability. 4.Will I butt heads all day long and have to fight to make it interesting? When my first daughter was born I was convinced that I had a strong willed child. When my second one was born I realized I had two! Both are strong personalities, but thankfully they love being praised and cuddled. The whole family seemingly shares the same two primary love languages of Words of Affirmation and Touch. So, as much as they aggravate me with some of their antics, they equally astound me with their love. As my four year old's curiosity increases so do the amount of her questions and demands. We are working on finding the loving balance of allowing the child to be heard but having respect for what mommy and daddy say. We have discovered peak times of the day that have the optimum attitudes for learning and others that just equal quiet time. Learning types are also showing themselves and allowing for tweaked lessons. But inevitably we run into a subject that has run just a bit too long or an interrupted lesson that doesn't want to be resumed. I want them to understand that sometimes in life we have to do things when we don't want to and there are deadlines in life. So, if we are already butting heads now, what happens when algebra comes along? 5.Will my kids hate me for not allowing them to do the "normal" thing? This one I am only mildly worried about since I loved being homeschooled. I know it is not for everyone, but I thrived going at my own pace rather than waiting on the class clown to get his butt in gear so we all didn't have homework because of his antics. I had the opportunity to experience, public, private both here in the USA and abroad as well as homeschooling. I asked to be homeschooled after experiencing 7th grade in public school. I was tired of teachers and students wasting my time. From 8th on, I was homeschooled. My girls won't be choosing but we will pray about options each year to see where they might thrive best. I am not set on it until they are 18 but I am hoping. They will have friends that are homeschooling like them, friends going to public school and private school as well. I am hoping I can shape their view of homeschooling to be one of advantage instead of them feeling left out of the "normal". We will have plenty of opportunity to socialize, so I am really hoping to avoid the issue by keeping a balanced peer group for them. 6. Will I get any alone time ever? I recharge by myself and you have probably guessed by now that I don't get as much alone time with two young kids as I would like. I do try to plan either a date night with my husband or a coffee night out with gal pals once a week. My daughters seem much more extroverted like their father and are constantly asking where we are going and who is going to be there. My oldest is definitely an extrovert like her daddy and she constantly wants playdates. Will we be able to maintain a healthy balance for her and for my introverted self? 7.Will getting involved in a coop be too much craziness? I have actually been a part (kind of) two different coops. There first one was when I was in high school/homeschool and the other girls in it and I never really clicked. Some were so sheltered and shy they never made eye contact or engaged in conversation beyond yes and no. And the other kids I knew from youth groups did the 'who is dating who?' conversations which I found juvenile when you can't do anything legally with that relationship anyway. Why date until you can get married? Okay, that is another topic. ;) The other coop I taught in when I was pregnant with my first child. I grew up abroad and learned Russian so I taught a beginners Russian language class. I was not involved in the ins and out of the actual coop and only knew part of the families making it up. When I think of coops I am wary of who to link myself with or allow to influence my teaching and my children. I know socialization is important, support and sharing helpful, but it can also get out of control quick! I love the idea of sharing resources/ideas and maybe even sharing the teaching load for subjects that aren't my strengths. I am leery of getting involved in a group where I am constantly having to explain/defend my beliefs about God and creation or teaching styles. I will have to pray long and hard about joining one or maybe start my own so I can influence the main vision of the coop. Time will tell if it is too much craziness. :) 8.Will i neurotically over-schedule or lazily under-schedule? If you haven't guess by the list making, I have a Type A personality. I both like this about myself and hate it. A turn off switch would be very helpful for this trait! I love being organized and having a rough routine, but I am purposefully and slowly trying to train myself to be more Type B for several reasons. I know no one thrives for long under Hitler, so I don't want to be so scheduled and organized that I kill the love for learning and my children's natural curiosity. They are both left handed and think with the opposite site of their brain than I do. They tend to be more artistic and spontaneous and I want them to be free to do things differently than mommy. I know no one thrives for long under Hitler... But at the same time, reporting to the state and having a portfolio at the end of the year seems daunting at times. Will my idea of an awesome education balanced with field trips, book work, natural curiosity lead learning be enough to impress who it needs to impress? I have no doubt that the education will be unquestionably awesome (not because I am so awesome, but because my kids have a thirst for knowledge and are sponges!), but I wonder if I will do a good enough job tracking, and explaining all we learned into the correct school board lingo?? Time will tell.... 9.Will I become obese? You may laugh at this one, but for every woman or man who has been at home can attest, food is readily available in fridge and pantry. And I am sure I am not alone in being guilty of reaching for a comfort snack when I am overwhelmed....whether by children or just life in general. The added stress of not just being with children but fitting in quality teaching without regular breaks has definitely added to the challenge of not stress eating. I am currently going strong with a personal workout Monday-Friday and have eliminated a lot of bad food from my diet, but as the scale refuses to budge there is that small irrational part of me, that cries to be a size 6, that wonders if homeschooling will allow me to reach that goal ever?! The more rational part of me just wants to lose the marriage/baby weight and be back to a heart healthy weight. Either way homeschooling the children will be an added stressor. :( 10.Will it all be worth it? Okay, you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20? Wish you could jump in a time machine for a moment to know how it will all turn out? I guess what keeps me from complete panic mode when this question slips into my thought pattern during the day...... God's whispered "TRUST ME". God has placed in our hearts (my husband's and mine) the peace and desire to homeschool our children this year. We prayed together asking that God would make His will known and God kindly confirmed His calling for us. Following His direction is ALWAYS worth it! ....and peace returns....
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I think the most exhausting thing about having kids is that there is no off switch. How many times have u wished for the sliding soundproofed window to slide up in the car? Or to be able to hit pause so your favorite whatever doesn't get broken into bits by that climbing toddler or rough-housing teen? Or a nice sleep button for those newborn infant nights or childhood nightmare evenings?! This week has been so overwhelming mostly due to interrupted sleep. I love my children, but more than anything, I wish during, the 8 hours of sleep I need to be nice, my mommy alarm wasn't so sensitive. Every time I hear a cough or someone get out of bed to use the bathroom I wake up and then end up tossing and turning to get back to sleep. My husband has this uncanny ability to only be awoken when it is necessary for his intervention or comfort. When the kids are sick, had a bad nightmare he awakes. If throwup sounds are heard and cleaning is needed, he is there. Somehow he stays asleep through the majority of their nighttime noises. The sad part is I can even hear them over my white noise rain app! Oh, how I wish we were done with the sleepless stage but I hear for most it never truly passes. If it's not infant cries, it's childhood night terrors, night owl teenagers, and then empty nesters insomnia keeping you awake. So bear with me if I seem a little out of sorts this week. ;) I promise I will return to my normal, rational self once I get a solid 8 hours. Still, wish I had that remote to mute or pause time. I would love to have a rational thought or time to process. For now I will have to dream....errr daydream ;) Ladies, put your face here and claim superhero status! I have my days where I feel like I am a great mom. I take the time to read books aloud, snuggle, affirm my kid's strengths and hand out healthy snacks. I don't raise my voice but take the time to calmly explain consequences and encourage the proper choice. I answer deep theological questions and make play-dates and library trips while teaching math or delivering explanations on why there are blue skies some days while clouds on others. I do this cheerfully with the utmost patience seemingly up to the 500th why question. There are even days that I can add taking care of the house and greeting my husband with a kiss and a "How was your day dear?" If I got the proper eight hours, you might even see me strollerblading or jump on the treadmill to take care of myself as well. These are the days I want to post on Facebook because I seemingly have my crap together...that day. It's natural to want to appear as the Supermom, but when I recently got called a Supermom, I wondered if it was a good thing or bad....? Life is all about balance, right?! Some days you got it and some days you don't. It is important to capture our thoughts and dwell on the positive. We want to be an encouragement to others, maybe being human and transparent would be more helpful. Sure, we want to know there is a silver lining, or an end to the storm(toddler-hood, teenage years), but hearing about the storm itself can be encouraging! Because to ignore the storm and only talk about sunshine seems like a lie! I feel less alone when I watch another minivan pull through the Dunkin Donuts driveway for that mom to receive her sanity-caffeine jolt. I feel better when I hear a mom threaten to spank her child when the kid is acting rebellious. I feel incredible when I overhear another mother's talk about laundry piling up and dirty dishes in the sink when they are out at the park allowing the kids to play. Why?! Not because I am glad they are having it rough too. Not because I want an excuse to slack off because, by comparison, I am doing pretty good. I am glad to hear it, because I'm tired of feeling guilty and alone!! There is an awful amount of guilt going around and it seems to start compiling the moment you become pregnant. Guilt over what you eat, or how you exercise (or don't exercise) while pregnant. Where you choose to deliver...with drugs or not. Whether you choose to (or are able to)breastfeed or not. If you choose to vaccinate fully, partially or not at all. When your child becomes sick you blame yourself for their exposure to germs and then debate when/if you should take them to the doctor. Should you use traditional medicines or herbal remedies? Should you allow them processed foods and chicken nuggets? Should you allow dairy, or soda, or candy or pizza? Do you send them to school or homeschool or hire a tutor? Do you allow them to date or lock them in a tower?! The list goes on and on and on... So, here is my truth: There are days where I get the majority right and feel awesome about my calling to be a mom; I aced the test type days! But this past week I was stormy. Being trapped inside allowed me little respite and therefore my cape got very dirty and at times came completely off! A gentle nudge reminded me on more than one occasion that I didn't have to wait until tomorrow for the sun to come out. I have an inner source I can tap into. The Son is good at restoring capes, tempers, and sunshine. I am learning to stop in the midst of my storm (anger, depression, fatigue) and praise Him for each moment a ray of sunshine pokes through! I can pray my way from a tropical depression to at least a partly cloudy day. ;) We can wallow in our imperfections or we can choose to praise God for the moments we got right today and trust Him that tomorrow will be even sunnier with His help. Our capes may not be spotless, but with His help, we can still be a Supermom in their eyes! I got a job working for Trades of Hope! I get to be with my girls and work from home on my computer as their technical support specialist. I get to bring in some extra income but still be home doing what is most dear to my heart - watching my girls. I feel so blessed and grateful!
It is a year old organization started by my aunt, Holly Wehde and a friend of hers, Gretchen Huijskens. They sell fair trade products made by women all over the world and help women stateside support their families as well, through party sales and becoming compassion entrepreneurs (representatives) in their region. All of the products go to support keeping children with their families, giving clean water, and getting women into better circumstances. It is a cause I can really get behind having seen my share of women here and abroad who need to be able to support their families in a healthy, better way. Also, as my girls get older and the company grows I can grow my hours and take on more responsibility, but for now it is the perfect amount of time. I still get to be mom (my most important job!) but I get to use my brain and get creative doing something I love! I feel really blessed and hope this is the start to a cool career that will work alongside my dreams of homeschooling my children and supporting my husband in ministry! Wow! It has been 6 weeks, tomorrow, since Keikei was added to our number, making us a family of four! What happened to it just being the two of us gallivanting around?
The first two weeks were HELL! Nursing was so much harder this time. I asked myself on more than one occasion what we were thinking having another, but after a lot of sobbing and lanolin, we hit week three. The boobs healed up and my outlook on things brightened A LOT! Getting out with the girls by myself is not as hard as I thought now that I have a method. Looking forward to getting my clearance to exercise so I can work out a new routine fitting in exercise each day. How?! I feel hungry all the time - nursing I guess? So, I am hoping the exercise will help me lose the last few pounds of pregnancy weight as well as the little bit more I hope to lose. It still amazes me that we have two children!? God is too good to us. I am loving them both - Dassa-Beanie with her independence and imagination and Keikei with her sweet smiles and baby smell! Keilah Abigail was born on May 19th at 2:19 pm.
I prayed for: shorter birth, less pain and no tearing and to go sooner than my due date! I got: A shorter labor by 7hrs! No tearing! Still had excruciating pain but only officially 7 minutes of pushing! She was born 8 days early! She was 1/4" smaller head but 8 ounces heavier than Dassa-Beanie, and the same length. Her belly button fell off at only three days and she is perfectly healthy! We feel so blessed and content with our two beautiful girls :)) Yesterday I received the LeapFrog alphabet system for Dassa-Beanie along with the Word Whammer and the magnetic alphabet. I know it may seem trivial to some, but I had wanted to get this for our daughter for almost a year now.
She knows her letters from playing Starfall, but she has to be on my computer for that. I almost bought this LeapFrog learning kit for her several times but couldn't quite bring myself to spend the money. LeapFrog is great but not cheap! A fellow mom gave hers to me because her kids had outgrown it. I am always amazed at how God cares about every little tiny want as well as providing daily for our big needs. Thank you, God, for showing again how deep your love for me really is. May this journal of miracles help keep that message sunk deep in my forgetful brain. <3 I have to praise God. I feel so overwhelmed by his love towards me. He cares for even the insignificant, nesting prayers of a pregnant woman.
I was praying/searching for a double jogging stroller on Craigslist in preparation for baby sister's arrival. and my brother just called me today wondering if I could use his double stroller. I will give him back the single one he lent me. It will be easier for him to run with just my younger nephew, now that his older brother rides his bike. I didn't even know they had a double stroller! We had been given a regular double which will be great for around stores since the chairs are not side-by-side. We were also given a rear-facing car seat from 5pounds and up. I feel we are so much more prepared and we still have 3 months until she arrives. The swing set and now a jogger. My wish list has dwindled down to a pack-n-play and an ikea chair that bounces. Lord thank you for providing for all our needs and even a lot of our wants! We love you! <3 I prayed about a month ago for a swing set. I started watching Craigslist and asking God to provide one. Well, I am happy to report that we were given one just last week for FREE, just in time to fix up for Dassa-Beanie's birthday!!
She already has been enjoying the slide and once we replace a few bolts we can hook up some swings. The one we got, my mom said she saw at Sam's club for over a grand brand new. I feel so blessed that God answered this prayer for our daughter. Not only does God answer prayers about the big things, but also the little things for our children. Now we have a safe, fenced backyard and a swingset. Life this summer should be sweet and easier on me, even with the addition of a new little one. God really answered this mom's prayer! Thank you, God for being a God of Details! Well, I love God's sense of timing.
I remember saying that I wanted to start for another baby when Dassa-Beanie turned 18 months. We actually started a few months earlier but when did we conceive? On our anniversary when our daughter was 18 months ;) God has a cool sense of humor and what a memory - He loves specifics! The three months we tried - nothing and the month we just celebrated our marriage God made our little amoeba grow. I love you Lord and trust you completely in timing and providing. I 'm tired but elated that Dassa-Beanie will not be an only child. She will be a great help since she will be 2 years 3 monthsish when this one is ready to come out. She already is helpful bringing mommy stuff and helping with the laundry. Josh is stoked too and is so supportive while I am going through the first trimester's fatigue and nausea. We are both glad we have 33 more weeks of alone time with Dassa-Beanie. Hoping I can be a little more active this pregnancy and stay away from the ice cream. I will have 5 months at the end of it to get the weight off before Sarah's wedding pictures will capture my figure - I hope I can be good! |
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