Why is it so much easier to help others find their boundary line than it is to find your own? When I talk on the phone with a friend, it is often clear as day where they should draw a line in the sand. Things sneak up on you and creep in without always asking for permission or consent. In my own life I can feel the line, but not necessarily always see it. I string along countless excuses why I allow my boundaries to be crossed, stretched or moved altogether. More often than not, it is guilt or people-pleasing that account for my loss of decisiveness and muddled thinking. The older I get the less it is people-pleasing. See, I am getting wiser. ;) I might even throw worry in there too as a factor for crossing boundaries, but that isn't as high up on the list as the others.
I am a lot bolder on behalf of other people than I ever am on my own behalf. I love being able to encourage others to rest and feel peaceful. I abhor watching family or friends pushed into exhaustion by other demanding people or life's crazy pressures. I am quick to remind others to take time for themselves and set healthy boundaries in place to allow for recharge. It seems the moment I make space in my own life to breath that something comes out of the woodwork to steal back that room or time. It is such a battle! I know this life is a journey, but I don't think it is meant to be an all-out sprint to the finish. To make it the end, I know the tortoise approach is wiser and healthier. Stop and smell the roses; take time to enjoy the life you have been given. Intellectually, spiritually and emotionally I know what is best, but I allow the roar of life to drown out common sense and what I know to be right for me.
Life shows us pretty quickly that there are seasons for everything. There are seasons when we need to keep our obligations low and our boundaries high for our sanity and/or health. We also need to take into account the health and care of those we share life with. There are rhythms that we need to adhere to if we are to make it without hurting ourselves or others. Doing for others at the expense of yourself and your loved ones is not called servanthood, but codependency. Getting the details is an important step before agreeing to take on anything new. Indefinite service will cause harm if not balance with rest. Don't give an answer! You don't have to make excuses or give an answer right in the moment. I heard someone say that they wanted to "fall exhausted into the arms of Jesus" and every part of my being cringed! God, the maker of heaven and earth, rested on the 7th Day, so I am a firm believer in following His example. I think we have forgotten what true rest looks like, however. If you have kids and a spouse it is harder to find true rest. Someone is always pulling at you. Keep in mind what season you are in!
We can't just wish our boundaries into place any more than a general can get his troops from point A to B without sending out the order. We can't reduce our obligations without saying the word - No. We can not rest without allowing space and time for it. Staying balanced is a constant ebb and flow of decisions and planning. It isn't a one-time deal and opportunities come and go, so it will never be flawless, but having some steps in place helps me retain my sanity.
My go to's: 1. Call a WISE friend - In this season of my life, I am blessed to have many friends who are also balancing the wife and mother roles. I am grateful for the telegram app that allows me to share a photo or a laugh, seek advice, empathy or sanity at the push of a button with my group of mom friends. It is good to have people who remind me of my limits and priorities. I am also blessed with a wise mother who walks a few seasons of life ahead of me and is gentle in her wisdom and nearly always available to encourage and/or listen when I call. 2. Just say NO - don't add excuses - So many times I have people approach with requests or opportunities that seem to need immediate answers. I love to help others and disappointing people is hard for me. I am still learning the art of saying NO! If it is at all feasible, I want to say yes, but that has bitten me one too many times! I tried to put things off by saying I would pray about it. Better, but not best! When I know in the moment that my answer should be no, but I feel like I need a "good excuse" I need to remember - no - is good enough. 3. WAIT & Pray & WAIT - When in doubt - Wait! Then pray specifically and give yourself time to wait for His answer. Not the answer that you feel guilted into or pressured into! A thing can be really good, but if it is not in it's proper time then it can turn bad and quick. I will make mistakes, but slowing down and waiting gives me the chance to make well thought out decisions about my boundaries and obligations. Time also allows me to ask wise people to weigh in on the examination process. Tell me what are your some safeguards for balancing boundaries and obligations? I can use all the help I can get. ;)
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We had such a fun year studying Zoology. Below you can get a glimpse of the Live Butterfly Project we did to celebrate the end of our official school year and welcome summer. (Thanks, Insect Lore!) We are now ready for some sunny beach days and lazy afternoons reading books in our hammocks.
Our school year consisted of making great use of our Family Zoo Pass (Thanks, Nini!) to the Sanford Zoo in Central Florida. We all enjoyed being able to meet up with family and friends countless times throughout the year to enjoy the splash pad, train, and carousel in addition to the animals. It was so nice to not rush and be able to take the time to observe so many different animals, knowing we didn't have to see it all in a day! The petting zoo was a favorite spot. Feeding the Giraffes was a special treat, but hearing the macaws screech my daughter's name was pretty neat too. One of my girls wants to be a vet, so this year of zoology has allowed her to really explore her interest.
I chose to be homeschooled, and really thrived under independent study. Facilitating my kids' curiosity, allows me to learn so much more by viewing it all through their eyes. They each learn differently and their unique observations make life and learning more interesting. Next year, we will be adding the little brother in on our studies, so our homeschool/family will be going through a slight metamorphosis of our own by adding a third student. We look forward to relaxed Summer learning. Share with us your favorite hands-on learning activities! Our education is never done! I am a huge believer in life-long learning. I try to model this habit by signing up for lectures and classes, watching documentaries and researching my latest interests online or through the local library. So, needless to say, you will nearly always find me with a book in my possession. Learning is easier in certain seasons of life, but I think it is always advantageous in keeping a sense of self by pursuing your interests. We are homeschooling right now, and I like to live out what I teach. They need to see that they are not alone in their thirst for knowledge. I want to create and keep an environment that encourages not only my children but everyone, myself included, to ask questions, pursue interests or at least test out things to ascertain what makes us come alive. This is the age of information and I am determined that we all take advantage of it before the grid goes dark and all these amazing resources vanish. ;) Let's enjoy discussing all kinds of topics whether we have a firm stance or knowledge of them or not. There are stacks of books by my bed, as well as a full kindle app on multiple devices in my home. Even when a topic seems outrageous, or maybe especially when it seems outrageous, I believe we should dialogue about it. When we have fear or anger towards a certain topic or theory, then it is time to dig in and shed a little light on it. The world won't fall apart if we entertain a false theory. Questions shouldn't create fear. Fear often comes from the unknown, so let's ask some questions and set ourselves free. Being wrong or ignorant is just a part of the journey, but it is more fun when we don't stay there. I love that even the library has online catalog apps such as OverDrive with downloadable books on almost every topic you can think of, and if it is missing from their catalog there is a neat little recommend feature, which I take full advantage of. There are so many tools available to us from Google to Kindle and did I mention that I love free!! There are emails and blogs highlighting free e-book deals on all kinds of topics and in different genres. Maybe reading isn't your thing? I hear you! Sometimes, with kids underfoot and laundry to fold, I don't have the luxury to prop my feet up in the hammock to get lost in a chapter or two of my current read. But.... ...I can pop my earbuds in and listen to a podcast or watch a short video on anything and everything from baking sourdough from a starter (my current obsession) to hunting (one of my husband's favorites) and back again. I am thankful for Youtube and Youtube kids which allows the entire household to watch and learn about countless topics. Sometimes though your brain needs a little break and then we switch to music.
Pandora allows us to put in our favorite artists and not only can we enjoy our favorite song, but the app also plays similar artists and helps us find new favorites. Thank you to all those people who write informative blogs and vlogs to share their hobbies, interests, and expertise with us!! You make life rich and full for so many. Have a favorite app or blog? Comment below and share some of your favorite resources for learning!
January always gets me thinking...
We are at the start of a new year, which is full of promise and potential dreams. We may make resolutions or goals. There is a sense of hopeful expectation of what might come to pass. We can choose to look into the future with hope or fear. We can look at anything or anyone with hope or disappointment. I always seem to have increased optimism and patience in January because it feels like a new beginning. I think hope is easier when you are younger. The older I get and the more knocked around I've become, fear and doubt often sneak in to try and ride shotgun. Will this bring me more joy or sadness? Will I gain new friends or lose someone? Will I experience new freedom or become more enslaved by life? This is the year for... February hits and my focus switches to romance.... My healthy resolutions get pushed aside by chocolates, fudge, and other various sweets. I find myself starting to examine my relationships. Am I the best mom, wife, daughter, employee I can be? Or dangerously, are they the best husband, father, parent, or boss they can be? The marketing ads remind of the promise of happily ever after and falling in love. These reminders to follow your bliss, find your calling or restore passion seem to surround. Love seems to permeate the masses and its hard not to be swept up in an ideal, slogan or feeling. The message to love your neighbor, but more importantly to love yourself comes across loud an clear. Will he remember Valentine's day? Will she remember to buy me... , razors, or that a watch? Will he buy me flowers, chocolates or jewlery? Will she make me my favorite dinner/dessert? Will he/she ever learn to speak my love language? Will he romance me at all? Goals and plans turn to questions and longings... March fades into April and the somehow the rest of the year speeds by in a blur, but no matter what the season or the time of year, we all reach points of personal decision. Our emotions can bring us to our breaking point, or a loss can help put things into perspective or knock us out of perspective. No matter how bad things are, they could always be worse. No matter how good they are, they could be better. Striving can exhaust you, but giving up isn't necessarily a good option either. We each reach moments when we choose to reset or change aspects of our life. We are ever changing, growing, evaluating... I'm reminded almost daily that life isn't the fairytale, no matter how hard social media may try to convince us it should be. We may have fairytale moments, but life, in general, is hard. Yes, it can be filled with incredible beauty if we remember to look for it. The beauty of redemption can definitely be found if we reach for it. Marriage isn't the picture of perfect love, but redeeming love. Any relationship worth having is hard work, that is why there are countless books on communication, dating, and marriage. The perfect person, career, hobby, passion, body, etc will not fulfill us and make life perfect. We create our own happiness! Choice! It all came down to where I found my source for joy. Anytime I allow anyone or anything to try to fulfill me I am sorely disappointed. Relationships change because we change. Careers come and go. Hobbies morph as time or interests change. Passions may fade but time continues on... The only constant, that hasn't changed or let me down is Jesus. He enables me to see the beauty around me and to restore that beauty when it has faded. He has shown me people in a new light, enabled me to forgive when I couldn't on my own. He has filled me with new dreams, passions, and goals in new seasons. The source of my joy, happiness, contentment, peace and all beauty I see, is the faithful Jesus Christ. He can empower us to see beauty when he redeems our perspective. Keeping him in the forefront is key for me! What are some ways you keep your joy? He gives us the power to choose love and to see beauty! The time has finally come to slow down, turn inward, and find me again. But, as with everything, there is a pendulum swing and I can take it too far. I start focusing on what I want, need, am entitled to and end up being unhappy, whiny and no one I want to be around. Focusing on what I don't have instead of counting my blessings slowly turns me sour - every time! Instead of balancing life with God's perspective I swing from not caring for myself enough to demanding too much for myself. I am learning (oh so slowly) that I need the Spirit's help to stop the swing from going too far one way or the other on any given day in every area of life. Dynamic tension takes focus and intention! It is a struggle to retain some healthy boundaries and a sense of identity in this rat race. Keeping who I am with God is vital because when I start to let my kids, husband, role, passions or job define me I am in trouble. One-on-one my kids can be amazing or moody tyrants and together, mostly they are a cute and noisy circus. My husband is sweet and seemingly perfect one moment and the next I think about hopping on a plane and traveling the world solo. Being a wife can be absolutely maddening, but thank God for those sweet happily ever after moments that keep you hoping to grow old together. Motherhood is fulfilling sometimes and draining others. My passions can seem fulfilling but can place my priorities in jeopardy. One day work is fulfilling and the next I want to quit. My identity needs to be firmly in Christ so I quit returning to life in my own power. When will I learn that I need Him every hour - every moment to get the fullness that I am craving and the sustenance I need?! Nothing and no one is important enough to allow crowding Him out! Yes, He created me with strength and ability, but I have yet to learn which battle hill is worth dying on and which ones I should let Him conquer. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should! I am afraid I have been a poor example in strategic warfare to those around me. I have heard His voice in some matters and have been so blessed through obeying His call to drop certain balls so I can do what He is calling me to do better. I took my sweet time getting the message though, and it makes me wonder what I may have missed out on in my delay. I have battled so hard in one area and totally lost sight of others that were way more important! My days always have adequate time when He is in charge. On days I take control I scramble. He is sovereign and that I can rest in. My journey, though bumpy, will be a part of refining me through His grace and for His glory. Why I am still amazed that on those days when I take my time to invite Him to lead, that things go not perfectly, but way more smoothly? I get, for those type-A peeps like me, way more accomplished! My eyes are opened to those special God appointments with my kids, the neighbor or my spouse. How great to feel that high of being a part of God's work! Let's make that happen more! I get peace even in the busyness and confidence in the turbulence. I know it is because I was fortified against the devil and remembering to be in tune with the Spirit that I can do all things through Him. It is not more important to be right, fair, or honest than it is to love. And to love right, you need Him! Simple morning devotions are good by keeping me connected, but now I know there are ways to turn up the juice! So here are a few of my go-to Jesus Strategies:
Anyone one of these is great but when I regularly do them all I can understand why Peter got out of that boat. Want to feel the power? Share with me some ways you connect in with the source of all power! All that other stuff has a season but it will fade and then what will I be left with? Motherhood, we know, is a season of long and short. Long days and short years. I am a mother of three; seven, five and a two-year-old. I see videos of my firstborn as an infant and honestly wonder where the time has gone. Almost in the same moment, I am tracking down the toddler's next mess and wishing for the day when the accidents are no longer so frequent. The two extreme emotions of motherhood - trying to hold onto them and keep them little or hurry them up to independence. Who can decide when they can change in an instant! Now, knowing there will be no more babies thanks to the hubby taking one for the team, I am finally attempting to find my pre-baby self. This season is very demanding and yes, rewarding. I know many wish back the days of when their kids were young and I am sure I will have that fleeting thought as well someday. But my hope, is to remind myself, as well as anyone reading, to not wish time forward or backward but be in the moment as best as you can. The overwhelming amount of home videos and photos available now can trap you in a place of nostalgia. Looking back on baby photos or other childhood memories either of yours or your children easily bring tears or laughter. I think the occasional trip down memory lane can be healthy, but too much looking back can steal the joy of the moment. Same way too much dreaming of the future can rob you of the joy of today. Daily, I am trying to find the right balance of devotions, chocolate, coffee, wine, exercise and creativeness that allows me to keep some shadow of sanity and self in this busy season. I understand that by focusing on the long list of things that wear me out... sleepless nights, crying toddlers, whining, tantrums. I am wishing away this season. When I have this kind of mantra I find myself worn out, bitter about what independence I have lost, and whiny just like them! If I start wishing for an empty nest so I can't travel and do what I want I lose focus on the importance of this season and forget that the next is not even guaranteed. Wish I could say I don't think that way anymore, but that would be a lie. I am learning to take better care of myself, make wiser decisions and embrace imperfection. I know my body and how many hours of sleep I need. So taking that "me time" at the expense of quality sleep is no longer a wise decision three children into this decade. I have learned to allow the house to be messy and unorganized for certain times and degrees that allow me to keep my sanity. Turn a blind eye for a time, if you will. My children are brought in to help straighten the main areas before dad gets home so he can enter a peaceful place and so mom is not doing all the cleaning up by herself after they are in bed. They also are required to have a clean room for certain privileges to be honored or granted. I have cut back on obligations that split my time. I have also retained with a desperate grasp a night out each week, either with my husband or with girlfriends. If I am lucky I get both! It is hard to keep other obligations from pushing that off the calendar. It is a struggle to leave the husband, my best friend, behind since those days of when it was just the two of us float nostalgically in my mind. It helps to have girlfriends that will remind you that getting out is not a luxury but a necessity when you have a weak moment! I prefer doing new things and so I look for seminars, painting classes, or hiking a new trail with friends rather than the spa or shopping like some women, but you have to find your personal recharge. I believe life, faith, love and so much more all have a semblance of dynamic tension, so I am very skeptical of anyone who appears to have it all together. Sure we might all have a day or two where we feel like we nailed this parenting thing, but I have yet to meet anyone who has it all together on a regular basis. I know I am a work in progress and God is using my children to teach me great lessons! So, I would love to hear how other you find your recharge so you can continue to live and thrive in this moment. Let's be real with one another on this journey of motherhood! The moment has finally arrived!! The last 5+ years, I have spent working as a technical support specialist for a company that had my heart. Then the Lord started calling my heart home and it took some time to find the right people to train and leave my position responsibly. But I have, after two years of saying I was resigning, - actually done it! The process leading up to it has been an adjustment in my thinking. I know the importance of mothering well (probably the most important job ever for the future of our world), but letting go of the gratification of projects, deadlines, pursuing my interests, and using my talents is a hard one for my type-A personality to adjust to. It feels wrong to replace finite tasks and view-able results with infinite ones that go mostly unnoticed. I know my ego has been hit most. My mind has had to fight off the feeling of guilt (from not bringing in a paycheck, aka feeling like you are 'tangibly helping'), shame (a stay at home mom seems somehow less than, especially in this social media age, because it is mostly invisible), laziness (no deadline, checklists or schedule to keep other than my own) and doubt (analyzing the pros and cons of everything). I need to stop focusing on the lies of guilt, shame, laziness and doubt and start celebrating my freedom! Let's focus on the good things:
You might be saying, "I work from home or I work and am trying to do all those things too!!" The truth is that I am still a work at home mom. I still have people who require things of me - they are just shorter. ;) I still have lots of tasks to complete! Seems like more than before some days because I actually can get to some of those seasonal things like cleaning the stove and windows or organizing and de-cluttering. By resigning my job, (what SAHM means for me) I have one less ball in the air, less stress, more peace, more time to be in the moment and hopefully enjoy it! For this season I am grateful for fewer demands on my time and for peace by walking in obedience to what God has called me to do. No matter what your title, whether you "work" or not, find your freedom. I pray you find a peaceful moment and not just rush to do the next thing. *And a thank you to my husband who supports, encourages and loves me and our children well!
It really is a choice... or a state of mind... how you see your current situation.
In most cases, I think it is decided by physical factors. How tired you are... the last time you ate... how you recharge... just to name a few variables. But despite all the things that can drag you down it still remains a choice. Personality is a big factor. Are you an extrovert and crave people to rejuvenate you, aka a piranha as you steal energy from others? only joking...partly. ;) Or are you an introvert and need time alone to recharge. Do you crave just 5 minutes to yourself and feel yourself flinching from too much social interaction? Can you tell which one I am? No matter what season of life or situation you are in, you can change your inner outlook by changing your thought pattern. After all, even the crazy people can retreat into their own minds to a better place. So... Capture those inner voices and make them work for you instead of against you! "This person is really annoying and if he doesn't just shut up in a minute I am going to do something we are all going to regret!" can turn into - "He is probably oversharing because not too many things are going well in his life and he is hanging onto any trace of hope he can find." "These kids are driving me nuts and never pick up after themselves - I might as well be their slave!" can become - " I am so grateful my kids have so many toys and imaginations that keep them running all day long, but it is time to call them back to earth and ask for help picking up." "My boss doesn't appreciate all I do, and this company would fall apart if it wasn't for me!" may be replaced with, for the sake of your job - "I am so thankful that I have a job I can really shine in and make a difference." So to enjoy the insanity of life we need to learn to put a positive spin on things. Here are some tangible ways to help - A Friend: Sometimes this is hard to do on your own, so find a friend or family member who can help you. When you start to "vent" they can help (with your permission so they don't get slapped) help you see another perspective. Music: When I can feel my day going down the tubes, I like to turn on some upbeat music and watch it magically put everyone in the vicinity into a better mood. Prayer: The big guy is pretty good at gut checking you and helping you see things in a new light as well. A quick prayer can set the day right too. Neon Signs: Yes, I have even plastered sticky notes or signs around my home with catchy positive sayings around my house to help lift my thought to a better place. Schedule a Reminder: With these handy-dandy smartphones, you can send yourself reminders throughout your day, week, month, year to uplift or remind you about your goals to see the cup half full instead of being a scrooge. (Scrooge Reminders during the holidays may be just what will save your holidays!) You are not alone in your fight to see all of life's little moments in a truly appreciative light. I have three little blessings in my life that are growing me in new ways every day. And I am thankful for the supporters in my life that keep me going or pick me up when I trip. Special thanks to you...you know who you are! So excited for our first official year (third year really) of homeschooling!!! Our oldest is in second grade, but since age 6 is the legal age of sending in the letter of intent in our state, this is her first official year. She loves to learn and is being joined this year by her sister in preschool (so mostly play learning) and her bubby who is potty training... errr kind of. He is only one so we will give him some time.
We started the year off with a visit to the Museum of Science and History with daddy which was super fun. They had a huge model dinosaur out front that growled and moved every few minutes. The history section was a little over their heads, but for my husband and I, it was fascinating to see what is now outdated from when we were kids. It was also a keen reminder of how much will probably change for our own kids over the next decade or two. I love the endless resources to be found online and continue to add to my own skills. I was homeschooled as well, 7th- 12th grade, and thrived by being able to set my own pace and pursue my interests. My parents cultivated a love and thirst for knowledge as well as an independent spirit. I had no problem in college because I had already cultivated the self-taught rather than spoonfed attitude. I hope to do the same for our littles. I want them to be out-of-the-box thinkers, pursue their passions and question everything ...yes even what mom and dad say! I have every confidence that as my children learn and question that they will find the truth. Our God encourages us to seek Him and ensures us that we will find Him when we seek with all our hearts. I know the idea of our children searching without parameters can be scary to some, even myself sometimes when I let doubt creep in, but I choose to rest in the knowledge that perfect love casts out all fear. God loves my children way more than I ever could and I choose to trust Him as I let me children grow and outgrow convention. I am attempting to balance managing a tech team from home, helping my husband with ministry, homeschooling and keeping a house clean. So, any attempts at blogging will be random at best. As I lead by example for my children, I pray that they learn more good from me than bad. I pray they see that God is way bigger than anyone knows. He is mirrored in creation and glimpses of His glory can be found in those around you. I want them to chew up the meat and spit out the bones and allow only God's Spirit guide them! Swept and ready....the words jumped off the page in a new way though I had read the passage many times in my life. Mark 14:12-15
The next passage about the Passover is normally where people focus, the big reveal of Judas being a traitor or the symbolic remembrance of Jesus' death and resurrection. I almost missed these few verses again, but for the still small screech of tires that made my mind reverse and reread. ...swept and ready... Perhaps it is because Spring cleaning has been on my mind, or because the body and mind are weird when you are fasting, regardless, my mind screeched to a halt at the words "swept and ready". What is the deal here? Should I go sweep Lord? I feel ready...I think. So for context.... The disciples are sent on a task by Jesus into the city to find a place to hold the Passover, to follow an unknown man carrying a water jug and boldly ask the homeowner, "The Teacher wants to know, where is my guest room?" Jesus knew (can you say omni-everything) this homeowner would have a room READY AND SWEPT! So what was this homeowners story? I found myself wondering (thanks to my husband's tendency to wonder about the deeper story; I find myself wondering more too) what the homeowner was thinking?
I mean, why was this room even available this last minute? If not that, then why was it ready and not stacked up with stored belongings- I mean who wants to climb stairs anyhow? Not sure how your "extra space" looks but its easy to collect things. What would have happened if the guy's upper room was in shambles? Is your guest room always ready for guests? What if he was so put off by such forward people assuming he had room for them? I mean does everyone even have a guest room? Or what if he decided he wanted to talk pennies and dimes and time slots? After all, Jesus waited until the last minute, so he could probably get a few more Caesar coins right?! There are so many missing facts in scripture, but I guess God likes us to dig deeper and think of all the variables and how we might react if places were switched. But the unknown made me think... The disciples had a task, the guy with the water jug had a task, and the homeowner had a task. All these little tasks added together make an intriguing story and set the scene for something important Jesus was about to do next. Right now our little family has tasks....but we have felt a sense of something coming. It is taking a long time to come and it is tempting to get lazy, angry or doubtful it is indeed coming. There are seasons for everything, but what had my heart thumping as I read this passage? Were my talents, my time, my belongings and my attitude one of being swept and ready for God's use? If He comes with this something we have been waiting for, are we really ready for it? I know we think we are but have we done all we can do? Are we keeping the cobwebs at bay? Are we swept and ready? Lord, may you shine the light on our cobwebs. May we be faithful with the tasks at hand. Help us to trust your timing. May our little family be found swept and ready for your use always! |
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