There are days when I can't even have a sane thought. I seem to flit back and forth between sanity and insanity so many times a day that I get so tired of even trying to distinguish between the two. I have moments of clarity where life feels balanced and that I am managing all my responsibilities well and moments where I really just want to crawl under the covers and hide from all the things and people pulling at me.
In my saner moments I recognize that that the hormones and emotions that overwhelm me, that ruin my perspective and that are distorting everything are due to the increasing blueberry growing inside me. I should allow myself more grace and quit allowing emotions to dictate my actions. Somehow, I keep moving and get done what I need to get done. The constant emotional war for reality and the perspective of Christ to remain in control rather than emotion and frustration is wearing me down.
My devotion this morning was on the Sabbath and how it is one of the 10 commandments we break most often without blinking an eye. God made it a commandment because He knew we needed it! My mind of course says, duh, of course! But guilt, society and even my own inability to nap are at war with this concept of rest. It seems lazy and wrong even when I can consciously acknowledge that a nap would restore my energy, my joy, and proper perspective...I baulk at the idea, because I know my my mind. I have attempted naps, but my mind goes into immediate overdrive with lists upon lists of things I could/should be doing as soon as I lay down. These lists contain everything from housework, to work work, to ministry, web design, schooling my children, writing this.... you can name a few more to do's I'm sure.
So, what do I need? I need the biggest chill pill in history! I keep seeing how God is trying to remove thing from my plate and I gratefully pile it back up with different things....and pile it high! I listen to society and see what others are doing and my own lists aren't long enough. I feel unproductive, ungodly and guilty.... guilty of being lazy, of being a poor mom and a poor wife, daughter, niece, employee, person period. I'm sure there are a couple more blanks you can add to my list.
How do I take a Sabbath and make it Holy? I don't even know what that looks like! Satan is such a stealer of peace and joy. Even if you manage to find some peace and rest satan will give you a nice does of self-guilt to try and prevent you from enjoying it. This constant striving/perfectionism/ pride is going to be the death of me....if...I don't stop and cry for HELP!!!
...Jesus, please help me to grasp the concept of a Holy Sabbath! Help remove the guilt I have associated with rest and impress on me the need for your peace and rest regularly in my life. Let me seek after you more than I seek to complete my to do lists! Help keep your perspective in the forefront and not my emotions. I want to abide in your Spirit and know true relationship/unity with you! HELP ME PLEASE BECAUSE I CANNOT DO LIFE WITHOUT YOU!!
My Current Mantra
Walk humbly with God and do the work at your hands....